A letter to the husband to be

These days I am reading a lot of letters-
a. letters from future DILs to MILs telling them what they can expect of a modern Indian woman
b. letters from existing DILs to MILs telling them how they can make their life better
c. letters from MILs to DILs often telling them they are like their parents too and they needed to be treated fairly and not as some nosy meddlers

These are the modern versions of the 'maamiyar-marumagal'  banter and to an extent completely justified. Unfortunately and as always the son is missing from these conversation. The son is always victimised as being torn between the love for his wife and his parents. Wouldn't it be much easier for for all of us if you, as the son, set your expectations in the beginning? I am not asking you to take sides here, just be more vocal about your thoughts on issues that matter to ensure we are all on the same page before we start our lives together. So here are some of the things, my dear husband, that I wish you can set straight with your parents before we tie the knot

1. Wedding expense: 
I thought these things are a part of the past, but clearly not. Some parents feel that just because they have given birth to you and educated you, they are entitled to an extravagant wedding according to their status (?!); entitled to choose even the minutest details like the caterer's uniform; but all the expense must be borne by the bride's family. I am not sure if you are aware of these demands made by your parents, but can you please tell them that this unacceptable?
It will be great if you share the expenses with us, after all it is your wedding too! I know in some cases that it is a matter of pride for the bride's family to run the wedding, but at least offer to share please? Especially if your parents are picky about everything right from what should be served for breakfast and how the stage arrangements should be and who the DJ should be! It is to be noted that just because you are their only son, none of their preferences are even close to reasonable (in most cases!) Obviously we would not say no to a reasonable demand, would we?

2. The dress issue:
I know you are super-cool with the way we  dress, at least that's what you say. But can you please tell your parents too? We can't lead two lives- one for ourselves and one for your parents. That's not honest. Just because we are  your wife, we can't be expected to be clad in sarees all the time (it happens only in movies). It is quite funny don't you think? Have you ever been asked to come dressed in veshti for a function? Just because we are married to you, should we wear a saree all the time? Trust me, we will wear saree more often than you will wear veshti in our entire lifetime. If you had a sister at home, would your parents impose a dress code on her?  Or even if they did, do you think she will abide by it?

3. Household chores:
Your parents might have raised you as the prince who didn't have to raise his little finger to get any work done. Fortunately for m and unfortunately for you, I was also raised the same way. Even we  are used to our parents doing everything for us. We find it incredibly sexy when you do household chores, but are you aware that your parents think we have enslaved you even if you offer to lift a grocery bag for us? Kindly tell them that we are also like you when it comes to chores. If both us don't pitch in to do the work around the house, it would be unfit for humans to live!

4. Babies:
Whether your parents really want us to have babies or they just want to fend off questions from relatives, I don't know. But you should know that parents start dropping hints about babies as early as 3 months into the marriage. We know you are not ready for it yet and so are we. But it would be very very helpful if you talk to your parents about it. Could you please take this one bullet for us at least?

All these years I have seen men be mute spectators to the emotional tussle that goes on between the wives and their mothers. We love you and we know that they love you too. It is not our intention to create a rift between the two of you. Most of the men that I have seen, tell their wives that they can be themselves at all times except when their parents are around. Isn't that dishonest? How long can we pretend to be something that we are not? The more you prolong your silence, the more they think that we have changed you and estranged you from them. Is that how you'd like your parents to think about us?

I have just voiced out some of my opinions on the issues above. Not all girls are like me and they might have an opinion different from mine. But if you can talk to your parents and the girl you are about to marry and set your expectations up-front, I am sure it would be the first step towards a marriage of mutual understanding and respect between both the families. I am not promising perfect marital bliss here, but at least it would lead to fewer  maamiyar vs. marumagal dramas.

When life gets busy

I made a commitment to post at least two blogs a month but then- reality bit me, tied my hands to my desk, made me work long days and nights, giving me little time to think about anything else. I know it is a poor excuse, it is not like I forgot to eat or sleep or catch up on my favorite TV shows. I did them all, but kept finding excuses not to do this. My sister is extremely annoyed by this and has stopped asking me about my blog completely.

Now just when I thought the worst was over, I am again stuck on another tedious work that looks to take up my entire time. The prospects of never ending to do list, takeaway dinners and late night cab rides looms large for the next couple of weeks. This weekend it slowly dawned up on me that I am always going to have something or the other on my plate and there will always be more pressing issues than getting my post published. Therefore I decided today that nothing is more important than getting my blog post published.

Based on my rant above- don't think that moving from one tedious project to another is all I do. During the time that I didn't publish a blog post, I went on a drive to the beautiful Jenolan caves, got a haircut, saw a couple of movies on Netflix, tried out different recipes, joined Instagram (and now I am glued to it), continued to read a novel, etc.

Another interesting that I have been trying in the mean time is to talk in தமிழ் . It is not as easy as it sounds. There are so many English words that are part of our conversation these days, that we don't even realize it. It reminds of Kamal Hassan's dialogue in Vassol Raja- "தமிழ்- ல அடிக்கடி சொல்ற வார்த்தை  ஆனா ஆனா உடனே வர மாட்டேன்குது  --ஆ(after a thought) ..Feelings" I think it is a very intelligent and clever dialogue (full credits to Crazy Mohan sir). This dialogue is a glaring example of how English words have gradually replaced the தமிழ் words as we speak. I am not a fanatic here or in anyway implying that one language is better than the other. Being a தமிழச்சி , I thought I should at least know my mother tongue well. So my sister and I have taken up this challenge to keep our conversation strictly in தமிழ். It has been quite interesting and amusing to see how much we fumble to use a correct word in தமிழ். For example- what is the first thing that we say when we pick up the phone? We say Hello! I have been trying to find an alternative word for Hello in தமிழ் and still not sound like a news anchor (வணக்கம்!). For the time being I am just saying "சொல்லு டீ/ டா/ அம்மா" when I pick up.

Go ahead and try this challenge in your mother tongue. You'll be surprised as to how much we don't know our own mother tongue. In case you are a தமிழன்  who is reading my blog- have you tried to speak only in தமிழ் before? Do you struggle to speak colloquial தமிழ் like I do? If you have any ideas you'd like to share please comment below and let's get our conversation started!

P.S: Another goal unlocked for the year- try to write a blog post in தமிழ்! Maybe! 

This too shall pass

Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously!Be it our successes or failures, our accomplishments and embarrassments. In our lives- we are the heroes- we tend to imagine everything happens to us and only us. I am no exception- I am equally guilty.

However, I am not sure if you have taken a moment to reflect upon such situations from your past. The other day, I was doing a mundane job that we usually get grads and analysts to do. Since I didn't have any juniors at my disposal, I thought I might as well do it and get it out of the way. As I was doing it, it opened a floodgate of memories- both good and bad.

To cut a long story short my first task was a disaster of sorts. Apparently the senior worked late night to complete the job and the label sort of stuck with me. Even when I did manage to do a good job afterwards, it was always this first mess up that I did that was in people's minds. After trying hard to prove that I can rise above their expectations, I came to two realizations a) first impressions are very important, you might be making one and you could be clueless about it, and b) office grapevine will always be abuzz with a person's epic fails than their success stories. I decided to move to another team to breakaway from these judgments. In less than a year into the new team, I worked on a similar job for another client, and got an appreciation e-mail from a senior manager from abroad- for the timely delivery and the precision of the work. Not only did I do it by myself, I managed a staff under me and got appreciated for the good work from senior manager who has never appreciated anyone in my office before.

The reason I am recounting both these incidents here is because I am often reminded of the former than the latter. I cringe at the embarrassment and the lack of confidence I suffered because of it for over a year. I don't even think my old team members would remember this incident. All I faced was a minor set back. In fact things couldn't have worked better for me, yet I tend to replay this incident in my mind and over analyse it. It is not only me, but a lot of people tend to see their problems with a myopic eye. Some people just wonder, some people vent their frustrations to their closed ones, while others just whine and complain about why such things happen only to them.

To all of you who are like me, and tend to see yourself as a victim of your circumstances, relax! we have been through much worse and gotten past that. Count your blessings, appreciate yourself more for your accomplishments. Sure, we would have had our share of goof-ups, but what is life without making mistakes? Probably if I didn't mess up that first task, I wouldn't have worked harder and gotten to where I am today. As the saying  goes, maybe it is for the greater good.

So lighta eduthuko, life's like that! 

First Post

After much apprehension (read procrastination), I finally decided that the time was right to pen my first blog post. I have wanted to do this for a while now. I have had many fleeting bouts of inspirations and ideas for this first post. I would just muse about them for a while, but I would think that I am just daydreaming and should get on with work.

I have surfed through many blogs online mostly via Pinterest and have come across different types of bloggers: many successful bloggers who take up blogging as a full time job and even make money out of it; others who actively write about travel, photography, fashion, beauty, etc., or whatever their topic of interest is; some who were active once but not so active in recent times for whatever reasons; and lastly the not so successful ones-  those who never got back after the first couple of blog posts. I just hope I don't fall into the last category of bloggers. I would be very happy if I managed to post 25 blogs this year, which means roughly 2 blogs a month. That doesn't seem very daunting at the beginning of the year now , does it? Only time will tell.

This is for sure not a fashion blog or beauty blog as I am a mere consumer and no expert. I would rather use $60 for movies and food than buy a serum or even a fashionable skirt (if I can identify one). As much as I love looking up to blogs and pins for inspiration and reviews about these things, they are just not my forte, at least not in the foreseeable future. I neither travel a lot, nor follow any sporting activity avidly to write about it. I am tired of taking photographs as well as posing for one (if you are my friend on Facebook, you would be aware that I upload pictures once in a year, at the most). I used to read a lot, but now work is taking priority over many things in my life.

However, I do like to catch up with my friends and chat up about very random things that have happened/ are happening in our lives- love, relationships, work, weddings, marriages,  and the world in general. That is precisely what I intend to do in this blog. I am simply going to look for inspiration from regular things in life that we so often ignore or consider unimportant.

These normal things make up most of our lives. There are serious matters that we take for granted and don't talk about, small and mundane matters that we don't pay attention to, and some important matters that we forget about in our pursuit for a better life.

I know. I understand, it just happens- because life is like that!

But I am here to make some noise about them..